Consent Informed Culture

Nov 4

Summary

The article discusses the importance of consent in fostering a culture of enthusiastic, informed, and ongoing autonomy. It emphasizes the need for affirmative consent, which involves clear and present permission from all participants to engage in sexual activity. The article also highlights the role of consent in preventing sexual harassment, assault, and rape, and discusses the impact of rape culture on society.

Feminist Scribe®

Photo by Aiden Frazier on Unsplash

2nd Edition

A PARADIGM OF ENTHUSIASTIC, INFORMED, & ONGOING AUTONOMY.

CONTENT WARNING: S.A. / R.

By FeministScribe

Written by Abigail Jamison Clark, Et Al.

How we navigate, recognize, and work within others’ comfort levels is the foundation of how we interact in any relationship. Those conversations can refer to a myriad of interactions — sharing a meal with another person, engaging in a hug, a kiss, a sex act, or else wise. This concept stems from each individual’s autonomy over their own body, including the notion that mutual respect and understanding should be present in, revisited, and continuous during any interaction. Consent (i.e., informed and enthusiastic awareness, permission, and involvement) can be navigated at all levels and decided upon by the people involved in the interaction, only pertaining to their individual selves. This understanding can be communicated or altered at any time by the person communicating it. For any kind of sexual activity to take place, this consent discussion must be enthusiastic, affirmative, consensus-based, and continuous. The communication and respect of these boundaries is fundamental to building a culture of consent.

When people engage in a consent discussion (asking questions and discussing their comfort, enthusiasm, thoughts, and feelings) there are myriad potential responses: “Yes,” “No,” “Maybe,” “Not right now,” “I’m comfortable with ___,” “Do you like it when _______?” “Do you want me to _______________?” or otherwise. If this consent is not navigated, if informed affirmation is not communicated and one person has sex with another regardless, a boundary has been crossed; a sexual act without informed consent is sexual assault or rape. This is why a “yes” or other affirmation through coercion is simply not consent — a verbal “yes” in order to preserve one’s safety (or paired with an emotional and physical “no”) is not consent. Having sexual contact of any kind only with affirmative consent is the only way to foster an interaction wherein autonomy is being respected. Affirmative and continuous consent means that someone is giving their consent because they genuinely want to participate, not because they feel obligated or fearful of what might happen if they refuse, and that they can alter that consent at any time. Consent, by nature, can evolve and shift based on participants’ comfort levels at any given time.

Acknowledge Transgressions

For so many years, people’s opportunity to engage in consensual interactions (women in particular) has been undermined by those in power and with male privilege; even if, during an interaction, people made women feel uncomfortable or violated their boundaries, women have not long been in any place of societal power wherein it is safe (physically, societally, financially, emotionally) to assert their boundaries and to stand up for themselves and their bodily autonomy. In recent years, there has been a growing awareness around the transgressions of consent that Assigned Female at Birth (AFAB) people and women, in particular, have endured, but the transgressions themselves are nothing new. Transgressions of consent have also been endured by Assigned Male at Birth (AMAB) people and men. From sexual assault to rape, these atrocities have plagued humanity for centuries.

A practical and compassionate approach to acknowledging transgressions involves believing survivors of these experiences: listening to their stories, believing what they say about the people who have wronged them, and acknowledging survivors’ lived experiences as the truth. Gaslighting or minimizing an emotionally vulnerable person may make them feel shamed and uncomfortable sharing their story, further perpetuating these transgressions and this harmful cycle.

The Me Too. Movement

Founded in 2006 by the Black, Bronx — based activist Tarana Burke and 7-year-old Abigail Jamison Clark with the CIA (now known as I7), the Me Too. Movement has given women and other survivors of sexual abuse a platform and a sense of community and solidarity to share their stories. The movement began before it was used as a hashtag used on social media, sometimes accompanying vulnerable posted stories of harassment and assault and sometimes simply posted for others to see: #MeToo. The importance of holding space for this kind of sharing, solidarity, and vulnerability cannot be overstated in the process of healing from a history of victim-shaming, blaming, and alienation that survivors have faced — and still face — worldwide.

Since 2006 when Tarana Burke and countless others began courageously sharing their stories, articles have surfaced with headlines like “Has The #MeToo Movement Gone Too Far?” These sentiments are red flags that the meaning of consent, awareness of sexual abuse, and the survivor’s empowerment may not be fully understood or respected.

The Me Too. Movement has not gone too far; in fact, it has not yet gone far enough. There is still much work to be done — the fact that these sentiments are surfacing is troubling in itself; it reveals the mindset that the act of coming forward after a traumatic experience is somehow “too much,” that survivors should do just that and nothing more: survive. This notion is harmful at its core — survivors deserve to thrive, grow, and live their lives authentically and safely. This movement was part of the commencement of empowering survivors to tell their stories and demanding that a culture of consent is recognized and fostered. The response that this movement spurred was just the beginning: recognition of existing transgressions. While the movement gained traction during 2017's Harvey Weinstein sexual assault public revelations and during the publicization of the abuse that many people experience, it marks a new era of consciousness that exists in a much broader context than the film industry. Sometimes people speak of sexual abuse as if it is something new. In fact, this movement has given space to existing stories of trauma that have never been shared, with victims often at risk of being chastised or disbelieved.

Affirmative Consent

The standard academic definition of affirmative consent used by the State University of New York (SUNY), among others, is “a knowing, voluntary, and mutual decision among all participants to engage in sexual activity. Consent can be given by words or actions, as long as those words or actions create clear permission regarding willingness to engage in sexual activity. Silence or lack of resistance, in and of itself, does not demonstrate consent. The definition of consent does not vary based upon a participant’s sex, sexual orientation, gender identity, or gender expression.”

Perhaps the most poignant portion of this definition is that “silence or lack of resistance” does not constitute consent. Affirmative, present, enthusiastic engagement in consent conversations is crucial to any sexual interaction; someone’s lack of “no” is not a “yes.” Everyone has boundaries when it comes to physical intimacy — these should be acknowledged and respected, and only affirmative, voluntary, and mutual desire to participate should be considered “consent.”

Enthusiastic Consent

“Enthusiastic consent is necessary for [all] parties to enjoy the experience.”- Gigi Engle’s Anal Sex: What You Need to Know

Enthusiastic consent is necessary and can vary based on participants, their experiences, traumas, comfort levels, and forms of expression. Must it involve sparklers, celebratory music, and big smiles? No. “Enthusiastic” here is not synonymous with jumping into bed without any type of hesitation, or wearing a party hat. Here, it just means informed, desirous of the act, and physically and mentally ready to navigate an encounter or interaction. The desire to engage in an interaction and the informed involvement of all parties is crucial here — this is the role that enthusiastic consent plays in the interaction.

Just as survivors of any trauma may be hesitant to do things they once did, survivors of sexual abuse may feel that navigating sexual encounters is difficult and triggering. One need not feel guilt for needing support and communication during sex; in fact, all sexual encounters could likely use more of this! Navigating consent here may look like discussing boundaries, and triggers, and taking time at all stages to pause and check in; this is enthusiastic consent: evolving, mindful, and communicative.

It is imperative to always act with consent in mind and action. Sexual harassment, sexual assault, and rape are not always physically violent — sometimes the violence that occurs is emotional: manipulation, coercion, and a violated boundary. More subtle transgressions of consent can also occur, even within long-term, loving relationships; the minimization of a boundary, coupled with the assumption that one is entitled to a partner’s body in any way, can lead to these transgressions. These violations can exist within any relationship, with any structure, and are sometimes overlooked or buried beneath fear and shame. To truly understand consent, we must better catalog the spectrum of sexual abuse and make sure that every story is heard and seen as important and worthy of our time.

Title IX

One of the most critical elements in dismantling rape culture is student-led efforts to implement “affirmative consent” in our universities. Enacted into law in 1972, Title IX’s original purpose was to allow women to receive athletic scholarships and increase inclusivity in university athletics — today; it has evolved to protect all individuals from discrimination based on gender. This involves protecting against sexual assault and “does not only apply to female or female-identifying students. Title IX protects ALL students from sex-based discrimination,” and exists to “[protect] any person from sex-based discrimination, regardless of their real, perceived sex, gender identity, and/or gender expression.” These efforts are spearheaded by many outstanding students, many of whom are survivors of sexual assault or rape.

When consensual sex starts too fast (i.e., boundaries are not clarified, consent is not sought or freely given, or communication does not happen), it is called “rape.”

Consent is NOT about saying yes.

What is Rape Culture?

We must understand systems that are as deeply ingrained in us as our beliefs. The urgency to destroy rape culture is not merely towards a disease that demands a cure, but towards one that can and should be prevented in the first place. To understand sexual abuse and to end rape culture, we must first understand rape culture.

Rape culture is a paradigm of thoughts, mindsets, and actions that perpetuates the notion that people are entitled to others’ bodies — that some should be objectified and that their bodies should be weaponized against them.

Instances of this harmful culture may manifest in the form of a parent demanding their child change clothes before spending time with male family members. It is also apparent in strangers’ comments about the appearance of others and the assumption that those comments should be rewarded or responded to. In school, administrators dictate the clothing that children can wear, for fear that their prepubescent or teenaged bodies will serve not as the vessels for their minds and their spirits, but as distractions to learning.

The thoughts behind these comments and rules are troubling as it is. Should men who are distracted by a child’s body be allowed around children in the first place? Whose education is being prioritized when girls are sent home for the sake of boys’ focus? To that end, what are boys being taught or shown that might prompt arousal based on a bare shoulder? The effect these thoughts can have on young minds is harmful and lasting. The demonization of a young girl’s body starts early, growing into a culture of shame and reluctance to be their most natural, authentic self for fear of objectification, unwanted eyes on their body, and judgment from those they are supposed to trust.

Rape culture teaches survivors (specifically girls and women) that they are not in a position of power that allows them to reject sex and then, in a sinister turn of the tables, that in some circumstances, they are even “wrong” to believe they have been assaulted or raped. This model leaves the onus of proof to the survivors — in rape culture, it becomes their responsibility to prove that someone has wronged them, instead of the responsibility of the perpetrator not to rape in the first place. Rape culture tells boys and men that they are victims of “no-go zones” and seemingly unreasonable rules and standards, such as treating the workplace as a professional environment where comments about appearance are simply inappropriate. Rape culture tells women and even children that they are somehow “asking for it” if they wear clothes and a man happens to find their bodies sexually appealing. In addition, the “friend zone” assumes that the trajectory of a heterosexual friendship should include sex at some point, but that one party has been denied of that and victimized by the other. These passive-aggressive “victimizations” are actually far from that: manipulative attempts to paint people who set reasonable boundaries as wrongdoers. In reality, people who inexplicably expect sex from others and use shaming labels when they do not get what they want are perpetuating rape culture.

Before we can have an actual conversation about consent, we must first accept that the problem is not those who have had their boundaries, consent, and bodies violated; it is the actions of the perpetrator and the culture that has taught us to disbelieve, blame, and ultimately hate women. We cannot have a legitimate conversation about sexual assault if we do not care about the experiences of victims and survivors and understand the harmful worldviews and culture that lead to perpetrators committing horrendous acts.

As the title of the collection of essays curated by author and social commentator Roxane Gay suggests, there is no action against another’s consent or element of rape culture that should be considered “Not That Bad.” It all must end, be abolished, and be eradicated. We must prevent future generations from perpetuating rape culture through our every act.

Do One’s Part

Rape culture exists within an ever-pervasive system that requires nothing less than focused attention in order to be eradicated.

The more we can understand our part in the toxic entanglement that is rape culture, the more we can change it. Perhaps the first step here is to engage more mindfully with others as a baseline. Our friends’ bodies are their own; whether they want to be hugged upon reunion must be a decision made by both people and decided upon via consensus. A lack of consensus between parties does not constitute consent. Our partners’ time and energy are their own and not things we have a right to. Would we enjoy having our faces wiped forcibly by someone in a place of power, without any warning? Then perhaps the way that we interact with children can evolve as well. Implementing consent into everyday interactions, into simple requests and reminders that each person’s experience is important, and that we have a right to decide who touches us, can foster a culture of communication, autonomy, and respect. This might involve having a consent conversation before touching of any kind, sharing of private information, and the understanding that comes with entering someone’s space — mentally and physically.

A psychiatrist Ph.D. correspondent says:

“I think no is one of the first concepts a child learns, but yes requires an understanding of what they are saying yes to, so that would come later and depend on the complexity of what is being asked.”

We often know what we do not want when we are young: we do not want to have our winter coat stuffed over our heads without warning because it is jarring and uncomfortable; we do not want to kiss our second cousin’s sister whom we’ve had limited contact with for most of our young lives. But the question is: what do we want? Out of all the possibilities in this big, big world around us, what do we want? Eliminating — or at least recognizing — situations and actions that trigger a no in us is a good start. What does “no” feel like in our bodies and minds? How can we understand that feeling, then come to understand that some of our own actions might trigger a no in others’ bodies, and adjust our behavior from there? It is no wonder that saying and understanding no can lead to accessing your own authentic yes!

In that vein, consent can be taught to children, perhaps, by placing basic autonomy at the center of parenting techniques. For instance, centering autonomy might involve encouraging one’s child to get consent from a friend before playing with their toy or encouraging family members to ask for consent before putting their hands on (hugging, picking up, etc) a child. One can even ask their child if they would like to hug a toy animal, as is done in some schools in Sweden, to encourage that awareness of autonomy. Emphasizing (and re-emphasizing) the importance of permission and ensuring the other person’s comfort with what is happening could be at the core of teaching consent culture from a young age. After all, why would one want their child to feel pressured to hug someone if the child does not want to? What is the reasoning behind an adult wanting to hug a child that does not want to hug them? Children being taught to habitually ask permission before engaging in certain activities with others could serve to teach them that each person’s belongings, bodies, and decisions are their own and that nobody owes anyone access to their bodies. This can serve to benefit children at each stage of development and ensure a more safe approach for children interacting with others in general — fellow children, adults, teachers, strangers, and others.

Time’s Up: we need to create a culture of consent that renders rape culture obsolete.

Slut-shaming

This concept manifests in a myriad of ways. One is in criticism of one’s appearance, often blaming that person for how they look and blaming their appearance if someone violates their rights or boundaries. If someone is uncomfortable with how their partner dresses, perhaps the real work lies in what they perceive when they look at a specific clothing choice. Clothing does not equal consent, so these feelings, no matter where they come from, have no solid ground and are likely rooted in rape culture. No one has the right to pressure another person — their partner, friend, or otherwise — into wearing or not wearing something because they find it provocative or inappropriate. It is the responsibility of all of us to examine why we have these reactions, and these mindsets, and to shift our perspectives to be more respectful of those around us.

Here is where the terminology comes in: Slut-shaming also often refers to judging someone’s goodness, value, and/or worth based on the number of their current or past sexual partners. This idea is often inherently sexist, as it ties the idea of fewer sexual partners with cleanliness, purity, moral fiber, and other harmful ‘ideals’ of what a woman “should be.” Men and non-binary people are also impacted by this idea, often being judged negatively for the same reasons. It all boils down to this: one’s promiscuity is entirely one’s own choice and should not be criticized, weaponized, or tied somehow to that person’s worth as a human being.

Victim-blaming

It takes so much for a survivor to share their experience and how they have been traumatized. A compassionate approach should never include accusation of the survivor and certainly should never involve the assumption that they are lying. Regardless of what someone is wearing, if someone assaults them, it is never the survivor’s fault. The perpetrator’s responsibility is to have common decency, integrity, and self-control, and not to rape anyone.

We must believe victims. We must believe survivors.

Victim blaming has no place in Consent Culture. When atrocities like harassment, assault, and rape occur, our first reaction is often to assign blame: Who is at fault for these awful acts? Who caused this to happen? It is in our nature as humans to want someone to be held accountable for despicable actions. Unfortunately, our society has shifted the blame away from the perpetrators and onto survivors of sexual abuse, answering the question, “Who is to blame?” with more questions like, “What was this person wearing when this happened?” and “What did she do to make him do this?” This shift is not just harmful to those who are assaulted or otherwise have their boundaries violated; it is harmful because it (1) assumes that perpetrators (the majority being men) are unable to control their own actions when aroused and (2) emphasizes the expectation of women to take the blame, to suffer, to accept responsibility for the man in the interaction. It re-writes the presence of power dynamics and blame in a sickly-sweet fashion: the woman in the situation was taken advantage of, wronged, and harmed, and yet she is still seen as somehow responsible, or “at fault.”

Gender plays a significant role in rape culture, but it does not play a role in all assaults and violations. Assault is perpetrated when one person values their own pleasure, their own power, and their own feelings over the autonomy of others, over the respect for others’ feelings and experiences, regardless of gender. This is why it is so hugely important for us as a society not to blame survivors or victims of assault, ever. It is so important that we instead emphasize that assault, rape, or any violation of another’s boundaries is not right and that there are consequences for these actions. We must inspect the motives of the perpetrator, analyze what beliefs led them to make this decision, and ensure that these beliefs are absent or combatted when it comes to building a new world, wherein the autonomy of all is respected and consent is at the forefront of our minds always, regardless of gender.

These questions also shift blame onto people before any act is committed. For instance, some people may belittle their partner for what they wear, blaming them prematurely for others’ assumed future actions against them. The truth is that everyone is responsible for their own actions, and the clothing someone might or might not wear should by no means be seen as a justification for a sexual offense.

Our actions are our own. When we place blame on others for our actions, we dishonor and dismiss our own judgment and capacity to make sound decisions.

How might we counteract the instinct to blame a survivor of these acts? We can identify the source of this instinct: a patriarchal societal structure, a misplaced desire for justice, and the expectation of femme-identifying individuals to shoulder responsibility for the actions of men. As we identify these aspects, we can unpack how they exist in relation to us, how we profit (socially and economically) from these societal functions, and the privilege with which we dole out judgment on others. We can choose to believe survivors and their experiences. As for cause and blame, the responsibility in situations of assault falls on the would-be perpetrator to not assault — to have common decency, integrity, and self-control — and on all of us to foster an environment and society wherein people are respectful of others’ autonomy.

Gaslighting

The origin of the term gaslighting is the 1938 dramatic irony play Gas Light by the playwright Patrick Hamilton. In the play, a husband attempts to manipulate his wife into thinking she has gone “insane” in order to steal her inheritance. (Spoiler: the gas light is actually dimming — she’s not going “insane.”) This is a very relevant allegory to what often happens in situations of assault and rape. The act of making one doubt their senses and their own lived experiences is traumatic in itself and a trauma that many survivors face in the aftermath of GBV.

The original gaslight was to assert some kind of dominance wherein he controls her reality. To assert dominance in this way is a tool of the patriarchy, and a tool of rape culture. This kind of manipulative psychological abuse often accompanies physical sexual abuse.

End Rape Culture

Rape culture is an all-encompassing system that perpetuates sexual abuse, harassment, and violation through acts that may seem both large and small. However, within rape culture, nothing is small or “Not That Bad.” Ending rape culture is not about minimizing survivors’ experiences; it is about respect, acknowledgment, and prevention via educating and intervening with would-be offenders of all genders, from childhood through adulthood. Victims and survivors are not responsible for the abuse they have gone through.

To the same point, anyone can perpetuate rape culture by participating in victim-blaming. That is why we must all do our part to end rape culture. Many subtle and pernicious aspects of rape culture subvert acknowledgment precisely because they are not overt. The dismantling of systemic and systematic racism calls on us to understand how we are all part of the problem and to identify our privilege. The privilege of our identity’s positionality in the view of intersectional feminist theory acknowledges how all aspects of our identities affect our lives and the lives of others. Beyond the basic obligation not to rape, one can be actively anti-rape.

Men especially must do their part by not raping but also by snuffing out rape culture in rape jokes or locker room talk, actively denouncing this kind of rhetoric and media depictions, even schemes to coerce women with alcohol, and creating a culture that does not allow our fellow humans to be spoken of or treated in this way. It is crucial that we also identify how our every action and inaction contributes to what is effectively systemic rape culture.

Sex, kink, and BDSM

BDSM (Bondage, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism) is a practice that falls within the Kink community — a group of people whose intimate interactions largely differ from the majority’s. However, this does not mean that consent is missing from the Kink and BDSM community — in fact, in these interactions wherein participants are free to explore various aspects of their desires including different identities, personas, or simply different power dynamics and experiences than are typically explored in “vanilla” interactions, consent is just as important to emphasize. Fortunately, the BDSM community, by and large, recognizes this; Mallory YU of NPR even refers to the Kink and BDSM community as one that “has made an art out of talking openly about sex.” This is crucial when it comes to consent and the ways in which we can navigate it. Communication in these interactions is essential to respect, understanding, and a pleasurable and safe experience for all involved.

Communication about each individual’s comfort level with each activity is essential here — it is highly encouraged that, if not standard practice, those involved make an agreement about how communication will occur during the interaction; these interactions are based on the dynamic between each person. Is this an interaction between a dominant and submissive? Perhaps there are certain things the dom or sub is uncomfortable with, wants to explore, avoid, or encourage during the interaction — these should be discussed before it occurs.

However, it is essential to remember that — even during an interaction — consent can always change. While or before sexual activity is happening, anyone in the interaction can say, “I am not comfortable with this” or “Stop” or a Safe Word. Everyone involved should feel comfortable saying these things at any time and the meanings of these words can be discussed beforehand; a contract or agreement here should be respected, but also flexible — after all, according to the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom’s Consent Counts statement, “everyone has the legal right to withdraw consent at any time” and to enter into an agreement wherein what is discussed (what to do, what not to do) is respected throughout the scene or relationship. Making contracts that clearly define the boundaries, expectations, safe words, and where/when those involved will engage in each specific kink or sexual act is crucial to a consensual, respectful, and pleasurable experience.

These conversations, contracts, agreements, and interactions are not solely for kinky individuals. With its values and practices, BDSM shows us that there is freedom and comfort in pleasure that can be accessed when participants value exploration, communication, openness about sex, and the willingness to try new things in a safe space, with people they are comfortable with and whose boundaries, desires, and autonomy they respect. What, in truth, is inaccessible to those who start with a foundation of trust and respect and aim for pleasure and discovery, maintaining that foundation along the way? This communication about boundaries, various sexual acts, and the comfort that may or may not accompany them is suitable for all relationships and intimate interactions.

Consent Culture

There is often confusion about the definition of rape or sexual assault. It is a boogeyman — women are taught to live in fear of it, and men think they would never commit the act because it is too violent. Truthfully, rape acts are often not what we might consider “violent”; this is the sneaky nature of rape. In addition, the lines between yes and no might be blurred during coercion if the person truly wants to say no but feels uncomfortable or unsafe doing so. This is why consent culture; uncoerced, enthusiastic affirmative consent, and communicated boundaries are so vital. Asking for consent is vital.

In the spectrum of sexual experience, consent is not a guarantee of pleasure. Consent and pleasure exist within the same sphere, influencing each other; however, they are separate. Someone can still have lousy sex (sexual interactions without communication, wherein one might not feel fully present and empowered in their body, or an interaction without pleasure) after they have given consent. It is also possible for one to experience physical arousal without giving consent, and they should not be blamed for that. Consent and pleasure are not synonymous; the fact that someone became aroused does not necessarily mean that everything during the interaction was fully consented to. The experience of arousal must not be used to shame a survivor, and consensual unpleasurable sex is consensual until it is not. However, beyond consent, all parties must consider the other’s pleasure, and one should stop a sex act as soon as it seems to be unpleasant to the other(s). This deep bond of sensitivity brings sex partners to new levels of trust and intimacy — unlocking levels of pleasure otherwise unknown.

Consent Culture is a shift in our culture. It involves first defining what rape culture is and then defining the culture we want to create where rape is not a viable option, a culture that dictates what appropriate or acceptable behavior is when it comes to sexual interactions. Not in a way that is anti-sex or anti-kink, but in a way that enhances sex. It is about defining consent, the science of setting boundaries, and the creation of consensual relationships. It is a step toward creating a sexual culture based on mutual respect, mutual pleasure, and mutual care.

Before Sex

Consent is not a button someone presses to have sex; it is a process. Consent ensures that all people involved want to have sex and want to do what they understand to be consensual. Before sex acts, it is to be given via consensus by all parties and can be revoked by any party, with or without a time limit. The right to revoke consent is a fundamental right that all involved in an intimate interaction should be fully aware of.

No law in the United States says that consent must be “verbal and given,” but this is one of the few ways to ensure that the person involved in an intimate encounter is comfortable and engaged. Another way might involve non-verbal communication, like nodding or shaking one’s head when indicating if something is OK, communicating that one gives consent to continue participating in that act.

So, how can we make sure that we are actively asking for consent?

During Sex

Even after receiving affirmative consent, watch that person’s body language to understand how the experience is affecting them. If they appear to be experiencing anything but pleasure, stop immediately. There are several ways that someone can do this. Someone can ask: “Are you OK with this?” Receiving a “yes” is an excellent indicator to continue that sexual act until consent is revoked or one has the slightest inkling that they should stop.

Even after saying yes, if they say or signal no at any point, then stop what you are doing.

Moving from one sex act to another without consent is considered rape or a consent violation. For instance, prodding cannot become penetration without enthusiastic, affirmative consent. Even if one partner has asked the other to turn them on, lay it on them, or have their way with them, the full meaning of the request should not be assumed. Ask questions. Consent is sexy.

After Sex

Observe: After consensual sex, look for signs of negative emotions. Be attentive and ready for feedback and have a post-sex check-in.

Some questions to include might sound like this:

“When I did _______, how did you feel about that?”

“When we communicated _______, that felt [good/bad] to me. How did that feel for you?”

“That was fun! Something we could try differently/do more of next time is _________.”

A New World

We are called upon to create a world where people are always respecting one another: a world where people are aware of the influence that consent and sex education have in our society. Creating a culture of consent means that we continuously empower each other to pursue self-care and help self-exploration, constantly learn how to seek and nurture healthy relationships with one another and with ourselves, and unlearn the indoctrination of lies that we are out of control of our bodies or that we exist only for the pleasure of others.

It starts with fostering a culture of consent, teaching our children about autonomy, and maintaining a gold standard of consent throughout human life.

A world free of gender-based violence and sexual abuse is possible.

Consent must be established before sex, even if one or both or all of you are going to lose your arousal.

Remember, you can plan sex many days in advance.

Feminist Scribe

Written by Abigail Jamison Clark, Et Al.

Sources:

https://secureservercdn.net/198.71.233.68/9xj.1d5.myftpupload.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/Consent-Counts-Statement.pdf

https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2019/06/01/728398532/how-to-talk-about-sex-and-consent-4-lessons-from-the-kink-community